Behaalothecha: loneliness, despair and faith

I think that Behalothescha has the most complex narrative in the Torah. The capstone is the portrayal of  Moshe's deep depression. In his way, Moshe threatens suicide

וְאִם־כָּ֣כָה ׀ אַתְּ־עֹ֣שֶׂה לִּ֗י הׇרְגֵ֤נִי נָא֙ הָרֹ֔ג אִם־מָצָ֥אתִי חֵ֖ן בְּעֵינֶ֑יךָ וְאַל־אֶרְאֶ֖ה בְּרָעָתִֽי׃ {פ}
If You would deal thus with me, kill me rather, I beg You, and let me see no more of my wretchedness!”

How can the star of the Torah be portrayed as sinking to this depth? How can the model of proper thinking express such a deeply sinful thought? The idea that a situation could be so dire that it merits self-annihilation challenges the doctrine of a unitary Gd that guides the world in all its aspects. Puny human understanding cannot fathom Gd's infinitely wise plan and should accept whatever comes as a manifestation of Divine will. 

Moshe's request for death with  dignity ("let my wretchedness not be seen") over life, is a very moving statement. In Washington State, a person with a disease deemed "terminal" by a physician can opt for physician assisted suicide, a process commonly called "death with dignity" I have met a number of people who have opted for this. Physical pain is not usually the reason a person asks for death. It is the loss of dignity, the reversion to infant, the need to depend on others, that makes continued life the inferior alternative. Moses prefers death to the indignity of failure. 

Moshe's depression comes with the first of the 30 journeys that the Israelites made in the wilderness after Mount Sinai. Now they were leaving the area of the Midianites and Moses invited Hobab, his father in law, to join them.  Hobab is a word derived from love. Rashi quotes Sifri 

"חוֹבָב" עַל שֶׁחִבֵּב אֶת הַתּוֹרָה וְכוּ' (ספרי):

 Hobab (חֹבָב) because he loved (חֹבֵב) the Torah,

Based upon Moshe's begging him to come and join and the Israelites, I suspect that the love aspect of Hobab's name also reflects personal feelings between Hobab (aka Jethro) and Moshe. When Hobab went back to his people, when he parted form Moshe, Moshe lost a dear friend. Perhaps this contributed to the depth of depression. The burning bush was in Midian, where Moshe lived with his father-in-law. It was Jethro who suggested the hierarchical administrative/legal system that that distributed justice over the people as a whole. It is in the parsha that bears Jethro's name that the Torah is given at Sinai. Leaving Midian and his in-law family was a great blow to Moshe.  

וַיֹּ֕אמֶר אַל־נָ֖א תַּעֲזֹ֣ב אֹתָ֑נוּ כִּ֣י ׀ עַל־כֵּ֣ן יָדַ֗עְתָּ חֲנֹתֵ֙נוּ֙ בַּמִּדְבָּ֔ר וְהָיִ֥יתָ לָּ֖נוּ לְעֵינָֽיִם׃ 

He said, “Please do not leave us, inasmuch as you know where we should camp in the wilderness and can be our guide. *guide Lit. “eyes.”

It is possible that a meaning of  Moshe's plea that Hobab remain, based upon his suitability as a guide, does not mean that his sherpa talents. These were not needed. The people followed the cloud . Rather, he was an  organizational (and perhaps spiritual) light. 

The proximate cause of Moshe's despair is the repeated complaints of the nation that he is leading to the promised Land.  An undefined complaint angers Gd, causes a fire that is extinguished by the prayer of Moshe.  Then comes the cry for meat. This comes with nostalgia, the distortion of recall that idealizes the past and disparages the present and future.

זָכַ֙רְנוּ֙ אֶת־הַדָּגָ֔ה אֲשֶׁר־נֹאכַ֥ל בְּמִצְרַ֖יִם חִנָּ֑ם אֵ֣ת הַקִּשֻּׁאִ֗ים וְאֵת֙ הָֽאֲבַטִּחִ֔ים וְאֶת־הֶחָצִ֥יר וְאֶת־הַבְּצָלִ֖ים וְאֶת־הַשּׁוּמִֽים׃

We remember the fish that we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic.

Why does Moshe feel compelled to grant this request?  Moshe takes it as a challenge. That leads to hopelessness (a common component of suicidal thoughts).

מֵאַ֤יִן לִי֙ בָּשָׂ֔ר לָתֵ֖ת לְכׇל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֑ה כִּֽי־יִבְכּ֤וּ עָלַי֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר תְּנָה־לָּ֥נוּ בָשָׂ֖ר וְנֹאכֵֽלָה׃

Where am I to get meat to give to all this people, when they whine before me and say, ‘Give us meat to eat!’

Moshe expresses doubt in Gd's omnipotence. The fulfillment   comes  through a manipulation of nature: blowing (migrating) quail off course; delivering the bird carcasses at the feet of the demanding people. I suspect that quelling Moshe's doubts about Gd's powers [and telling us that story] was at least as important as satisfying the nation's demands.

Within this story, the 70 elders who will lead along with Moses are selected. Are they a balm for the loneliness of losing Hobab?  Wisdom needs discussion. 

Inside this story within a story (within a story) there is the story of the Eldad and Medad (the Blues Brothers? [no, his name was Elwood]). Seventy elders assembled to help lead the people. Two stayed home. All 72 were granted prophecy, so  Eldad and Medad were sharing their prophecy outside the group. Joshua, Moshe's understudy perceived this as a threat. Did Joshua think that this was a threat to Moshe's authority and might  contribute to his depression? Was Joshua  concerned about the precedent, worried about competitors when  he led the people after Moses? Moses saw independent prophecy as a blessing. The Blues Brothers  prevail.

Miriam and Aaron's challenge  to Moses follows. They criticize his marital choices.  Is this a demonstration of the danger of unrestricted prophecy? Aaron and Miriam legitimize their complaints  saying that they, too, have a line of communication with Gd. Moshe's superiority  is  proven by his successful short prayer that heals 

 Miriam from the tzoraath inflicted upon her as punishment. Aaron begs Moshe to  pray for their sister; an assertion that Aaron  recognizes Moshe's superior relationship with Gd.

Next week's parsha opens with a continuation to the challenges to authority with the scouts reporting on the promised land. A pattern has been established.

Every person is the leader of the life granted them. Disappointment is a rebellion against the self.  No one lives up to all expectations. Faith is the ultimate source of hope and the escape from despair.