Ha'azinu: Tshuva

 What is tshuva? The word implies "return." Something has been left, and it was better than what I have now. I am supposed to return to it. 

Is tshuva an expression of regret, a desire to return to the past and correct a bad decision? The parshe would have me believe that the world is glorious when we are in a state of Divine grace, and we can achieve that state by adherence to the ancient rules. Tshuva is a return to that blessed state by returning to the strict observance (that seems to have been a historical rarity, at best). We can try our best. 

Is tshuva a call for nostalgia, an attempt to return to a state of innocence? There is no hope of going back to Eden before the fall. 

I see my young grandchildren, the paradigms of innocence. I see their developing, wider ranging, desires and jealousies.  The dream of childhood sinlessness is a fantasy that denies reality.  Children are learning how to sin - and getting better at it as they grow. A return to childhood is not what I want, and not what is meant by tshuva. 

Is tshuva  a return to a simpler time? No matter how romanticized, I do not want to go back to the shtetl of my parents and their ancestors. I can only  imagine the world of my childhood, before color TV, home computers, cell phones. I get a taste of that life, and its delights, every Shabbath and Yom Tov. That is enough.

Tshuva is a return to myself. That self is lost in the onslaught of political controversies, internet information, professional demands, job minutiae. I am not sure it can be found anymore. The ancient text, the Torah helps... but that also needs careful interpretation . The only way  I can do tshuva, the  only way I can find myself  is with Gd's help. 

I pray for tshuva.